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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24331726">nothing hurts when i'm alone</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackch3rry/pseuds/blackch3rry'>blackch3rry</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>SEVENTEEN (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Choking, Implied Sexual Content, Jealousy, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, based in America, implied bottom joshua, jeonghan is confusing, this was spur of the moment</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:20:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,195</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24331726</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackch3rry/pseuds/blackch3rry</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"I don't know what feels true<br/>But this feels right so stay a sec<br/>Yeah, you feel right so stay a sec"</p><p>Joshua doesn't like feelings. He thinks he's not running from them, but denial flows through him. He doesn't know how to deal with the feelings he gets from Jeonghan or the feelings being thrown at him from Hansol. Joshua doesn't realize when things start to feel cold.</p><p>"You make me feel dirty but pure at the same time. I let you walk all over me."</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Chwe Hansol | Vernon/Hong Jisoo | Joshua, Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. He's cold. Even with warm blood.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>"Do you know what it means when you're just thinking and then you feel the sting in your nose and suddenly your vision becomes blurry for a second? Like everything seemed fine but it changed so quickly." Music being played at a significantly low level accompanied Joshua and his spur of the moment question. He stared up at the ceiling. Admiring the medium sized spot from the apartment above from god knows what had leaked through it. He knows it can't be past one a.m., but of course, Joshua found comfort laying in Jeonghan's bed.  He<em> could</em> get up, put on a hoodie that may or not be his, and walk home. Walking home in the middle of the night isn't as scary anymore. The sound of crickets and the occasional car rolling past him eased any nervous feelings. </p><p> </p><p>"Crying out of nowhere?" Jeonghan said quite lowly, enough to make Joshua feel things... like butterflies. </p><p> </p><p>"Yes."</p><p> </p><p>"Well, what I think is that you like to avoid any emotions you've grown to dislike. Like sadness or anger. Sometimes you feel empty and cold even though you're full of warm blood. It probably builds up inside you that once in a while you just let it out. Even if it's small."</p><p> </p><p>Joshua stared at the ceiling.</p><p> </p><p>"Like when you laugh so hard that a little pee comes out? Cause you can't hold it in sometimes?" Joshua leaned his neck up, looking at Jeonghan with his not so innocent eyes.</p><p> </p><p>"Shua," Jeonghan laughed, "Sure, it's<em> kind of</em>  like that." </p><p> </p><p>Joshua faced the ceiling again. He waited as Jeonghan removed his arm from underneath Joshua's neck and onto the upper part of the pillow instead; just above his head. "Sorry, my arm fell asleep." Joshua smiled instead of saying anything. He thought for a minute before turning on his side. He let his head rest on the other's chest. "That's what we should be doing, don't you think? We both have busy days tomorrow." </p><p> </p><p>Jeonghan hummed. He was one step ahead of Joshua. Already feeling the sleepiness grow. Joshua doesn't know how long he waited.</p><p> </p><p>"You sure know a lot about me, huh? I didn't think you'd notice all the small stuff."</p><p> </p><p>Joshua confirmed Jeonghan didn't hear what he said when Joshua spent the next six hours staring at the black sky outside Jeonghan's window.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"Good afternoon, Joshua." </p><p> </p><p>It was five p.m. and Joshua was sitting where he <em>always </em>sat. There's a bench hidden on a long forgotten path to an abandoned part of the university. Joshua kind of adopted it; made it his. It's really perfect for him anyways. Hiding under tall trees that give him shade and sometimes little leaf friends that fall on him. </p><p> </p><p>"Hello, Hansol." He didn't bother looking up from whatever article he had stumbled upon on his phone. </p><p> </p><p>"Care for the rest of this?" Hansol waved around his half empty Starbucks drink. Hansol doesn't really like coffee, but he ordered Joshua's favorite when he just entered to grab something to eat. Joshua accepted it happily. "Come sit."</p><p> </p><p>All of Joshua's friends know that if he's not in his room then he is on his bench. Seokmin nearly fainted when they couldn't find Joshua for four hours one time last spring. He just fell asleep after a long day is all. On his bench. Joshua learned his lesson when he woke up with neck and back pain. </p><p> </p><p>"Want to walk for a bit? I want to tell you something as well." Hansol stood up even if he sat for a brief amount of time. His hands sliding back into his hoodie pockets. Joshua looked up. </p><p> </p><p>"Alright, only because I have a soft spot for you." Hansol smiled shyly and waited until Joshua stretched his legs out, grabbed his bag, and linked his arm with Hansol's.</p><p> </p><p>The two walked until they reached their group of friends favorite place to go for a sweet treat, Insomnia. It was actually Joshua and Jeonghan who found Insomnia and eventually brought everyone else around. Hansol doesn't like that the two of them kept it a secret from the rest of them. He wonders how many times the two of them shared dessert on the very same stool's they're sitting on. The place is small as well. Less space to keep apart. Some of his friends would say he's a little <em>fixated</em>with Joshua. He just has a very straight-forward goal in mind.</p><p> </p><p>Hansol also doesn't like to think about that bench. He hates sitting on it. </p><p> </p><p>Hansol hates that late at night last year he went to find Joshua. He went to that forsaken bench. </p><p> </p><p>He hates that he saw Jeonghan pulling Joshua onto his lap. They were making out. Jeonghan had a hand on Joshua's lower back. Joshua kept saying Jeonghan's name.</p><p> </p><p>Hansol hates that he remembers it every now and then. </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. gray straight to black</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>italics means it happened in the past but i left the 2 year flashback in regular text for some reason...</p><p>also i know it said 'only child' when referring to joshua but he did have an older brother. his parents are just evil like that</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>"I got a new job offer last night."</p><p> </p><p>The freshly baked cookie that smelled like absolute heaven rested on Joshua's tongue. It took him a minute to fully swallow and chase it with a sip of water. </p><p> </p><p>"Really? That's great! I told you broke college students like us get lucky breaks." Joshua said lightly. A genuine smile was on his face. He currently doesn't have a job; his parents took care of his expenses. Not under Joshua's influence, but quite the opposite since Joshua wanted nothing to do with his parents. It was their last wish before he completely cut them out of his life. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>"Joshua...dear, please let us just do this for you. I don't want my only child to struggle throughout college."</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>"Wow, how saint-like of you."</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>"We will send you checks for the next five years."</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>And that was the last he ever spoke to them. Joshua pushed the guilt deep down. The guiltiness he felt because he did accept the money. Even if he would rather cut off his own two hands than touch a check signed by either parent. But life is unfair, and Joshua would prefer to keep his hands than live on the streets with a growling stomach. </p><p> </p><p>Joshua hates his parents. After all, they practically murdered his older brother. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"Yes, I was excited." Hansol split the last cookie in two. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"Was?"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"I declined the offer." Hansol frowned after Joshua kicked him in the shin. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"Why on earth would you do that?" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"Because I'm going back home next week." </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"What?" Joshua was confused. Hansol told him he doesn't like his home life either, so why?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"My grandmother is sick."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p><em>Oh.</em> Joshua understands now.  He loved his grandmother to death. Hansol must be so worried. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry to hear that, sol. I really am." Joshua leaned closer. He reached his hand out offering comfort to Hansol, who happily received it. "Your hands are warm. It's nice." Joshua looked away in a small dose of embarrassment. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"How long do you think you'll be gone?" It started to rain outside. Gray clouds are so pretty when they accompany the sun setting for the day. Mixes of reddish orange, pink, and the prettiest of purples. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Not sure to be honest. She has no one, Joshua. Which is why I'm about to ask you this question." Hansol put his other hand on top of their conjoined ones. Joshua waited until after to say anything. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"You should come with me." </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>----</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"Good afternoon, Jeonghan." </p><p> </p><p>The library located on the second floor, right at the top of the stairs, was beautiful in Joshua's eyes. It was less crowded, which means no one will bother Joshua and Jeonghan as they study. He nodded to Seokmin as he walked passed. Seokmin waved his book in lieu of his hand. A habit he soon discovered to be fond of. </p><p> </p><p>Naturally, Joshua found Jeonghan seated at a table in the middle of the room. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>"Why don't you like to sit by the window? The view is stunning."</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>"Because."</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Great...</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>To say that Jeonghan and Joshua didn't hit it off in the beginning is an understatement. It took a while for them to be comfortable. And then at times <em>too</em> comfortable. </p><p> </p><p>"Hey." Jeonghan was busy at work copying down never ending sentences from whatever textbook he was eyeballing.  Joshua decided to let them be and catch up later when they both studied enough to be semi-satisfied and their brains were begging for a break. That's how it usually goes. He pulled out a notebook and stole the cherry Jeonghan was about to consume. Jeonghan looked at him in amusement and chuckled. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"I'll pretend that didn't just happen, you fruit bandit."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Studying was long over. The walk from campus to Jeonghan's was quick. Especially since Jeonghan was in a mood. "For some reason I was wanting this." He said as he removed Joshua's jacket. Jeonghan didn't turn the living room light on when they walked in, but the ambiance was to die for. The shiver Joshua felt when Jeonghan let his hand go up and down his arm so slowly. And the way Jeonghan looked at him. Joshua secretly wishes he could take a picture in moments like those. He felt so loved. Sheltered. </p><p> </p><p>He let Jeonghan lower him onto the couch. Joshua became dazed for the rest of the following moments when he felt the hotness on his neck and then his whole body.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Joshua woke up at one in the morning again. He really enjoyed it when Jeonghan held him like this. One arm over his stomach and the other behind his head. Joshua sat up which resulted in Jeonghan groaning. They were still on the couch; pressed rather close.</p><p> </p><p>"Sorry", he said quickly, "For waking you." Joshua added softly, hoping Jeonghan would fall back asleep. </p><p> </p><p>"Whatever, lock the door on your way out." Jeonghan said before shifting so he was facing the back of the couch more. Joshua wasn't planning on leaving, but for some reason he couldn't stomach staying any longer. Thankfully, he was on the outside so he wouldn't have to climb over him. Not every moment spent with Jeonghan was as pleasant as everyone else thought. There were a few times Joshua purposefully forgot. Before he slipped his shoes on he bent down and left a kiss on the other's forehead. Yet another kiss Jeonghan wouldn't know was given to him in the middle of the night. Possibly, another one too many. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>2 years prior...</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"Joshua, what the fuck." Hansol almost collapsed then and there when Joshua answered his incoming face time call. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"What is it?" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"Your neck. It's- it's bruised. What the hell happened?" Hansol didn't get angered easily, but this was something he wouldn't control it for. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"Shit..." Hansol heard Joshua curse under his breath. He watched as Joshua walked into his bathroom to look. "I didn't even notice earlier." </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"How can you not notice it? It's covering almost your entire neck!" Hansol didn't mean to raise his voice, but it just happens when you're worried about someone you love and care deeply for. "I'm sorry, but please just tell me how this happened." </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Joshua's eyes were watery; Hansol could feel his chest tighten. "It's embarrassing, sol."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"Please..."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Joshua took a deep breath and exhaled as they reached eye contact through the phone. "I just got home...from having sex." </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"Sex? With who?" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>His voice shook slightly. "Yoon Jeonghan."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p><em>Yoon Jeonghan</em>. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"That asshole. What kind of fucking kinks is he into? I can beat his ass if you want, set his-" Hansol was cut off when he heard Joshua choke on a sob.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"Shua? Shit, I'm sorry if I got too upset. I just- I care a whole lot about you."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"No," He sniffled, "I know you do. Thank you, seriously. Everything's alright. I just wasn't expecting him to do that." Joshua laughed to lessen the tension.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"He didn't ask you beforehand? Didn't tell you what gets him off?" Hansol was getting upset again. This whole thing is so fucked. He can't believe they even did it in the first place. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"Sol, please." Joshua wiped at an escaped tear. "It's over and done with, we probably won't even speak to each other again. Can we just get ready for bed and fall asleep? I'm tired."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Hansol nodded his head in agreement. He'll let it go for tonight, but there will forever be bitterness towards Yoon Jeonghan. They both got ready together and talked to each other for another hour before Hansol drifted off. Joshua stared at the ceiling. Maybe that's when his own habit started. Joshua knows that they will speak to each other again, and probably spend many more nights together in bed. </p><p> </p><p>But he had kept something from Hansol. Joshua was afraid of Jeonghan that night they first had sex. Joshua was never choked before. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>----</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>On his walk home, Joshua thought back to the previous day and what occurred at Insomnia. He would deal with what Hansol said another time. He just wanted to think about the sky. How pretty the sunset blended with all the gray. He hoped to hold onto it, that feeling when you see something beautiful, but times more than none he feels like there's gray straight to black. No pretty colors to paint him with. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>idk what i'm doing</p></blockquote></div></div>
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